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some mixed thoughts

April 29th, 2009 at 12:10 am

First of all, an achievement: I realised today, as I filled my 2L water bottle from our kitchen tap, that I have not bought bottled water for ... a long time. I cannot remember the last time I bought bottled water. I would say it has been well over a month. Maybe two?
A plus to this is, our tap water actually tastes good at our new house! Even DF's sister noticed, as when we were sharing at our last house, she would buy her water as she didn't like the tap water there. It did not bother me that much that I had to buy it, but it did taste rather... tap-water-ish. But here, now, it tastes like filtered tank water. So DF and I have only discussed a few times the need to purchase a filter of some kind. It is kind of one of those things that is at the back of the list.

The youngest apprentice at work buys a bottle of water every day. It is a 1L bottle that costs $2.50. Multiply that by 5, and that's $12.50 she spends, every week. Which is $650 a year. Which might not be that much if you earnt a reasonable wage, but being an apprentice, I know she earns $220 a week. *sigh* sometimes I wish I could shake people...

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I am beginning to plan to make a herb garden, and a lettuce garden. I have read that you should plant flowers with lettuce so as to deter and confuse pests. So I might look into that too. I have been reading the gardning book that we were given as a housewarming present - and am a little overwhelmed. I have decided it would be in my best interests to formulate a table so as to figure out where to plant which herbs. Some need full sun, others need morning sun, some need drainage (coriander), some need wet roots (mint), plus I have to figure out the ones I need to plant now, seeing as it is becoming winter, and the ones I will have to plan to start in September, at the start of spring etc etc. Eek! At the moment it's all tumbled around in my head, so I think writing a list will be helpful. DF has it in his head I am going to fail (ok, my history with plants is really not that great) and that I am taking on too much work. This is when I had all these vast goals of making a huge vege patch. My response? 'I'll show YOU!'
Unfortunately, I agree somewhat with him. It's quite possible this venture could fail in epic proportions. My balloon has deflated to the herb garden size - so fingers crossed if this goes without a hitch, I may start a small plot with tomatoes and carrots as well.

I would feel the happiness of a zen master if I was able to grow my own salad, let me tell you.
I will do my best. You will see many photos on this blog of my efforts.

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I had an argument yesterday, that has been ongoing and that a lot of you know about, with my mum and her partner about my mums alcohol consumption. Long story short, I am working at home today (as I usually work at their house in their home-office). I have not actually told them I am working at home, but I was meant to start an hour ago, so I am thinking they have gotten the picture. Either that, or they haven't noticed.

It could be a good thing. It's possible this may be the beginning of the end of my employment there. I have worked there since 2001, and as most of you know, have grown increasingly frustrated with their spending and lack of restraint, and their poor business choices (buying a brand new $42k van, paying an extra 10k in interest, when they could have bought a second hand sedan for under $10k???)

It is interesting though, I am not sure if this is a good thing or not, but I feel no emotion (except small bouts of anger) any more. Through working there, I have had many incidences of sadness and despair - but now I just feel nothing. I just do not care how things turn out for them any more. You cannot help someone who does not help themselves. I have tried, and I still do, but at the same time, I have a clear voice in my head saying 'this is not your problem, this is not your fault, there is not a great deal you can do beyond what you have.'

Is this a good realisation? Or have I been ground down so much by stress and anxiety that I have no feeling left for this part of my life? I don't know. We will see I guess.

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I have been practising yoga again (I have done it off and on since I was 11 years old) a few times a week. Perhaps this is another reason for my non-feeling-ness. Maybe I am confusing 'not feeling' with calmness? Is that possible? I never even thought of that until just then. (amazing what blogging does!)
I have been using a yoga DVD. I much prefer doing this than having no one there - as it helps you hold the positions for the right amount of time. I have even fallen into an almost sleep-like relaxation during savasana a few times, even though the lady has been talking the whole time. I was never able to do that when I was younger. Interesting that we change as we get older.
Does anyone else do yoga here?

4 Responses to “some mixed thoughts”

  1. gamecock43 Says:

    You can only get frusterated so many times with someones actions before you give up to save your own sanity. I agree ending your employment with family might be good for both you, and your family relationship.

  2. baselle Says:

    I don't that the feeling nothing in this case is bad. Its objective. Its what an employee off the street would feel - hey, as long as I work hard, ignore the crap around me, and collect my pay ... its a living. You only have so much psychic energy to spill onto someone who doesn't give much back.

    Good luck with herbs. I loved my herb garden when I had it in a place years and years ago. Herbs are some of the most satisfying things to grow because they are perennials (years and years, not just one), they are straightforward to grow, so expensive in the grocery, and they are so fascinating! Most herbs really like it dry, sunny, light non-clay soil - even the mints. I'm not kidding about the straightforward. You really don't want to baby any herb - the tougher they have it the stronger the scent and taste. The plant in my white pot (any pic in my container garden) is sage. Start small and have fun - but that goes with any garden.

  3. dmontngrey Says:

    I think it's just a natural progression when you get to the point of feeling nothing in a situation. I am at that point myself with my mother. I have tried and tried and I'm not bailing her out anymore. Sadly, this does mean there are no close feelings towards my mother. In my eyes, we just don't have that type of relationship.

    I don't think feeling like you do is a bad thing at all, and it doesn't make you a bad person. I understand you are mad, but eventually you will have to talk this out with them. Don't we all wish we could just not show up for work when we're mad about something there! Smile

  4. matt Says:

    I like that you budget weekly.....

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