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*sigh* sometimes i wonder why i call her my friend

November 11th, 2008 at 10:58 pm

Some background info:

When I was about 3 or 4, my dad moved into a big house, two houses down from another house where another 3-4 yo girl lived. let's call her J. We became friends. My mum moved two states away and I would visit my dad 3 times a year in the school holidays. J and I would always catch up and play/hangout.

For reasons I don't feel like explaining (short story: my mum was a bitch) I stopped seeing my dad for about 6 years. I also lost contact of J. I found her on myspace a few years ago, and we started chatting like old friends again. We were both exactly the same as years before, even though we had not spoken for 7 years.

One year when I visited my dad I stayed with her for two nights. We got a tattoo together and hung out. It was fun. The next year, I booked my tickets 6 months in advance and told her the same day, of the dates I would be visiting my dad. She also flew to my state and went to a concert with me. I had bought her concert ticket months in advance, and she had organised that her dad would pay for the flights, as a christmas gift. The concert was on a Sunday, so I organised Monday off so I could drive her to the airport. She booked her tickets two weeks before the flight, rang me and told me she would be arriving on Friday morning at 8am. 'you've got two weeks, you'll be able to get that day off yeah?' she said. Inwardly I groaned. Two days off was a lot of money for me, especially seeing as the weekend already was costing me about $200. I organised the day off. Her flight here also had her grandparents on it. They slipped her $300 for 'spending money'. She also flashed around a further $500 that she'd gotten paid that week. Her flight BACK home left at 7am the day after the concert. She conveniently forgot the concert was three hours drive away from my house, which is near the airport. So after the concert, at midnight, BF and I had to drive back so she didnt miss her plane. All is good, that's what friends do, right?

Fastforward a few months. I had reminded her every so often of the dates of my own treck to her state. Then, 2 weeks before my holiday, she asks me what date it was again. I tell her. 'Oh. I can't get any days off work. Sorry.'
I tried breathing deeply, and I even went for a small walk to calm down a little. I was just soooo annoyed, and I felt like I had to say SOMETHING. With most of my friends, I have tried being completely honest. I don't want to hold something back because otherwise it will build up and I'll end up resenting them. Besides, I figured I would word it non-conflictingly.
'I don't understand why you couldn't find any time for me even though I tried to give you so much notice. I just thought you would be looking forward to me visiting. I organised an extra day off with only a couple of weeks notice to pick you up. But even though I'm disappointed, it's ok cause I know you're probably stressed about nationals. Also my parents and little sister were just asking about you cause they want to see you.' (she competes in a fitness-type-thing)
Ok so not totally non-conflicting, but I was being honest. There was a lot more that could have been said.
'Whatever' she said and hung up.
Then she rang back.
'It's not MY FAULT I had to work so much to save up to come and visit you, and had to pay heaps of money for the airfair, and basically couldn't afford it but I came and visited you ANYWAY. You know, I missed out on a friends 21st party to come and see you. So i'm SORRY. And it's not MY FAULT I'm broke right now and have to work'.
Me: 'umm... ok then. that's fine. don't worry about it. for the record, you told me your dad was paying for the flight, and you splashed your cash around while you were down here, so sorry if I didn't get the message that you were broke. i kind of think you have taken it the wrong way - i wasn't blaming you, i just wanted to tell you i was a little disappointed.'

I did organise to see her, in the end. I had to organise it, and I had to take a 2 hour train trip to see her to have lunch, but I did it. There were awkward silences.

Fastforward to now, and any conversation with her, I have to initiate. We used to chat on an instant messenger all the time, but now, she will be online but I will have to eb the one to start the conversation. And when I do, it's stilted (and this is in typing! imagine a voice conversation!). And anything she says will be all about herself. She is not interested in anything I have to say, nor does she ever ask any questions. oh, except for the other day, she asked 'so are you still working at the same places and stuff?'. As though she either can't remember what I do, or it's not important to her. Either way, apparently her role of Trainee Assistant Sub Manager at a fast food place is much more important and exciting than whatever the hell it is that I do.
I also noticed that, a few weeks ago I asked if she'd done anything interesting and she said no. Then on my facebook, on my wall, yesterday, she wrote 'oh since i last saw you (five months ago) i've gotten two new tattoos'. I am guessing it's because she wanted everyone to know she'd gotten them, not just me.

Anyway. Sorry for the vent. I am just so angry and annoyed. Sometimes I feel like cutting all communication off from her - but we have such history, and my dad and stepmum ask about her - i feel like she likes them more than me, and that I would be doing something horrible by ending the friendship.

BF and his sister (who we live with) have commented that when she visited she seemed very self-important (read: up herself) and quite immature. I don't know if maybe that's what people my age act like, only I don't have many friends my own age so maybe I am just not like that because I have older friends?

She uses words like 'retarded' and 'gay', which I don't think I've ever used, or if I did, as soon as I found out how they could offend certain people, I made a concious effort to stop. We don't really like the same music or the same clothes, the same people etc. We are very different. The only things we connect on are things we shared when we were young, like SEGA games and barbies. We even have different approaches to relationships and money. (she cheated on a BF, blows all her money, lived briefly out of home, and lives with her parents still.) She constantly wants me to sympathise for her dad, who 'has to pay off an 800k mortgage, two cars (oh... just mercedes, nothing special) support his new wife and her baby, plus pay child support to his ex wife and younger daughter'. I just nod and agree.

BA's post about his 'friend' just reminded me of my own friend woes. So I guess I just wanted to share!

:`(

What would anyone else do in my situation? I've told my dad and stepmum what happened, pretty much.

So what to do? Cut ties? Pretend nothing ever happened and continue merrily along? Or wait until she starts asking me about my life?

7 Responses to “*sigh* sometimes i wonder why i call her my friend”

  1. lizajane Says:

    It sounds like keeping the friendship is more trouble than it's worth. And is is sometimes sad when you realize that there isn't much in common with an old friend other than the fact that you were old friends. You've grown up and she hasn't, or at least not in a way that you like. She sounds quite self-centered, and as long as you bend over backwards to cater to her she'll continue to be friendly but otherwise seems to have no interest in continuing the true friendship. If it were me, I'd just let it fade away, other than occasional holiday & birthday greetings. If she stops responding to those, I'd just call it quits completely.

  2. frugaltexan75 Says:

    I hate to say it, but I agree with lizajane. Sometimes a friendship just isn't worth the effort - especially if it has become one-sided. Your 'friend' doesn't sound like much of a friend to me.

  3. baselle Says:

    Friends are like comets sometimes. They appear, burn bright and intense, then swing out. And as they swing out, it takes a lot of energy to reach them, and if you do ... its a dirty snowball. Your friend J might swing back or she might not. If she does come back brightly after a couple of years, enjoy it (if she's grown up in the meantime). If not, enjoy your memories of her. In the meantime, you have your own orbit of close friends and acquaintances.

    Just because your parents ask about it doesn't mean you have to keep up the friendship.

  4. onesexylady Says:

    I agree with everyone whitestripes as you grow older your interest may change just as it takes some people longer to mature than others. I would not go out of my way for "J" again as she has completely shown by her actions that she is not interested in being your friend. Please don't go out of your way for her anymore I think she just wanted to to pretend to have much money when truly indeed she's broke. Maybe she felt a sense of having to make her feel that you too still have much in common. Its not you I think she has choose to end the friendship people come and go and friendships do often grow apart just let it go and move on with your life. I'm sure your parents will understand.

  5. Broken Arrow Says:

    Hehehe. Very interesting analogy there, baselle.

  6. LuckyRobin Says:

    I cut ties with a girl like that, right around that same age, too. I'd known her since I was four and by the end, I was the one doing all the initiating of getting together and whatnot and I just got tired of it. She'd changed so much and her life philosophy just didn't match mine anymore. She'd always been kind of a selfish person and when she became an adult it just intensified so much that the only person she seems to care about is herself. I felt so much relief when I let the relationship whither and die. And she didn't do anything to stop it, so I know I made the right choice. Seventeen years later I don't regret cutting her loose. It saved me worlds of stress.

  7. whitestripe Says:

    thankyou everyone so much for your words of wisdom. you all made me feel like not such a bad person for letting it die, which is what i have decided to do. she knows all my contact details, she knows where my parents live, and we're both 'friends' on myspace and facebook. i've decided i'll respond if she initiates, but i'm not going to bother anymore.

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