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there is a storm brewing...

September 21st, 2010 at 12:13 am

DF and I are in an uncertain times at the moment. I think that my university course was started at a perfect time, because it gives me direction, even though the next 6 years are undoubtedly going to be tough. DF's dads business appears to be coming to a close. His dads inability to control his expenditure and finances, and take in any advice from others, means that in the next few months, unless some miracle happens, he may have to sell his house to pay his debts, and the business which has been running for nearly 10 years will have to fold. This leaves DF out of full-time work, and me out of part-time work. I don't see getting a job to be a big problem - I think that there is a lot of work out there, just not the glamorous, sought after jobs. If DF and I were in need of jobs, we would not be picky, which I think is a problem around here.

In other news, I am close to getting to a point where I feel that I would be better off never talking to or seeing my mother again. People constantly say that family is blood, and you can never let anything get in the way of that. But I know many of you SA'ers out there don't talk to close family at all, and it gives me hope that I am not the horrible person that I will no doubt be made out to be in the next couple of weeks. I don't really want to get into it in much detail (trust me, this entry could be a novel describing the events that have transpired over the past couple of days), as I am sure a few regular readers know of the difficulties I have with my mother and her drinking problems, paranoia and gambling problems etc etc. But basically the latest is that my DF is the alcoholic, and he is a bully and my mother is 'concerned' that I am with him. But when I questioned her on why, apparently it is because he confronted her yet again, this morning and yesterday, about her drinking and gambling habits. After some words from me, now she says she is no longer concerned about me, because I am 'the same as him'.

Seeing as in the 7.5 years DF and I have been together we have never fought and never separated, and always encouraged each other to have friends and have outside interests - I am glad DF and I are 'the same'.

In comparison, my mother and her partner have had hundreds of alcohol-fueled arguments and have separated completely and lived separately four times in the ten years they have been together. My mother has also driven all of her partners friends away and gets paranoid and jealous whenever he attempts to see a few mates who have stuck by him, or play a rare game of golf without her.

So, I guess I am glad that I am who I am, and DF is who he is. Smile In the end, we should surround ourselves with positive and supportive people. My mother is not positive or supportive towards me, and I am not towards her. So I guess it is a two-way street really, and we would both be better off.

On another note, my eldest sister does not talk to my mum either, and has sworn she will not for another 9 years. It was for a completely different reason, but I wonder how many siblings it will take before she realises her mistakes?

10 Responses to “there is a storm brewing...”

  1. ThriftoRama Says:

    I am really sorry you have to deal with this. But, I don't think you need to stay in contact with toxic people just because you are blood relatives. It may hurt, but you alone can judge the right thing.

  2. Joanie Says:

    As someone who is dealing with an 83 year old alcoholic, chain smoking mother - believe me - they will not change and it is much healthier to put limits and space between you. Don't feel guilty - now is the time for you to protect yourself and your family (meaning DF). There may be a time in the future when you can open up communication again but living with the drama of an alcoholic can poison your life.

  3. pjmama Says:

    I dont think that eliminating negativity from your life makes you a terrible person. I've definitely had to do things like this in the past, and haven't always gotten along with my mother either. Maybe it'll be her wakeup call. I dont blame you. Certainly dont feel guilty for wanting to rid your already stressful life of more stress!

  4. baselle Says:

    My mom was a alcoholic paranoid chain smoker too. (no gambling, but farming is close Smile) I talked and visited with her twice in 15 years. I just knew that I didn't have what it took to open up to her any wider. It was either her or me, and I knew that I wouldn't get any brownie points from anybody spending a lot energy trying to help or understand her. So {{{Hugs}}}.

    In stressful times like these, you need to stitch your own life tight first before helping others. In other words, you and DF need to keep both your noses above water, budget, make your plans, save your money, pay your bills...then if you have lots of spare energy, go for it. Its your life; I'm pretty sure you aren't getting brownie points either.

  5. FrugalTexan75 Says:

    I agree with the others. There comes a time where you have to take care of yourself. And if that means cutting off certain people who are toxic ... well then that's what it takes.

  6. momcents Says:

    Whitestripe, I sent you an email.

  7. MonkeyMama Says:

    Eh, family can be nothing but a PITA.

    We have this gene in my family - my aunt is completely insane and my sister is semi-insane. If either of them was my mother, I would have disowned them LONG ago. (As is, I really have nothing to do with them - just pointing out I'd feel the same even if they were my mom).

    Oh yes, and there is also my insane grandmother on the other side of the family. She is on her own - not sure what happened to her. She was just a vile person.

    I have a wonderful, wonderful family, but the toxic people still show up here and there. I don't think you are terrible at all for removing yourself from those toxic situations. ((HUGS))

  8. MonkeyMama Says:

    P.S. Lord help us if any of my family were drinkers or gamblers. They are just mean/nasty.miserable/mentally unstable people - period.

  9. Looking Forward Says:

    I agree with all the above. You are not a "bad" daughter or person at all by wanting to put distance between you and a "toxic" influence.

  10. whitestripe Says:

    thanks everyone, it really means a lot Smile

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