When we bought our house earlier this year, on settlement date the real estate office that handled the sale gave us a bag of goodies. In it was some camembert cheese, champagne, crackers, chocolate, a newspaper subscription, key rings and a book written by a local hinterland author, Allan Pease, about interacting with people, how to be a great conversationalist, how to talk to men/women etc etc. So it turns out that Allan Pease is actually well known in the motivational/public speaking sector, and out of coincidence I heard him on the radio a few days at work, too.
Having never read the book the real estate so kindly gave us, I decided to have a flick through yesterday, and found it to be really good.
I am terrible in social situations. Before I even *arrive* at a party or event my stomach is in knots from anxiety and I feel physically sick. ( I know, it's awesome to be me.) I have no idea how to talk to people I don't know so my conversation is stunted and awkward. My mind goes completely blank for any interesting topics of conversation, and any usual questions you would ask someone, even with people I know but don't see a lot.
This book was really interesting and I got a couple of things out of it:
First of all, people don't want to hear about you, they want to talk about themselves. Which sounds kind of harsh but kind of makes sense. So when you're trying to talk to someone you just met, don't sit there waiting for a gap in conversation so you can talk about yourself, keep the focus on the person you're trying to talk to. Eventually conversation will flow freely and they will ask you the same things.
Secondly it talks about the open-ended questions (which we all know is commonsense) but then also talks of using 'bridges' in conversations to keep it flowing, (which is my major downfall) if you are talking to someone who gives short answers. (Bridges are 'such as' 'which means' 'for example' 'how did you...' 'what type of...' etc - they encourage the other person to keep talking and explain their previous answer in more detail).
So anyway, I was wondering what other tips anyone on here has for being the life of the party. Or atleast, tips on not being the poor girl sitting in the corner looking sullen and waiting to go home. How do YOU talk to people? What are interesting conversation starters you use? What types of questions do you ask someone you just met?
advice on talking to people in social situations
December 16th, 2009 at 01:42 am
December 16th, 2009 at 02:04 am 1260929045
December 16th, 2009 at 03:14 am 1260933240
December 16th, 2009 at 04:54 am 1260939284
The other twist that a lot of people don't think about is to have an exit strategy. If I'm using "bridges" too much, or if notice that the person who I'm talking to is fidgeting, etc, its a sign to move on. You move on especially if a third person comes up. There's always food, drink, your fiance, the host, etc.
Then you meet the next person. Entrance, exit, entrance, exit, etc.
December 16th, 2009 at 06:23 am 1260944606
December 17th, 2009 at 03:04 am 1261019051
December 24th, 2009 at 03:21 am 1261624882
But even sitting in a concierge lounge in a hotel it is not hard to get people who sit alone to get involved in a common conversation. Most of them like to talk and are just looking for an opening.
I think this ease comes with traveling. When you travel for extended period of time, you are away from regular friends and family, and could also learn a lot from local people or other travelers.
You meet all sorts of people. A person having a drink at a bar can be an expat architect, a journalist, chem. engineer, a consul, a girl who teaches English or a student who came to the country to improve Chinese. You never know, that what makes it interesting. After you have enough of these rewarding encounters meeting new people becomes exciting - and I think other people can sense that.