I know that personally, and for a lot of other people too, their relationship with food can be closely tied with their relationship with money.

I know I am strict with money (in an organisational way) because when I was raised, my parents, well, my mother particularly, was very strict with food. When I grew up and started doing things for myself, I knew I didn't want to have the relationship with food that my mother has. So it carried onto money instead. While a lot of people would say I'm pretty relaxed with spending, I still suffer a lot of guilt over spending on certain things.
It is the same with food. My mother, for so many years, ingrained in us what foods were good and what were bad. And it's not the ordindary good and bad. Even today it's hard for me to eat those foods without feeling guilt - and my parents (mother and stepfather) eat them now too. I wonder if parents ever think about their actions, even the very very small actions, and wonder if years down the track that small thing is going to make such an impact on their small childs life.

So you're probably wondering, what were the bad foods? Well, here's a few: anything with sugar (except in my mums coffee - of course), dried fruit and fresh fruit together (separately they were ok), soy, black pepper, wheat, corn, potatoes (for a short while), yeast, anything with aspartame, anything artificially sweetened or flavoured etc.

*sigh*

So on my dads side, everything in moderation is fine. My dad, personally, is medically diagnosed ceoliac, but he doesn't think gluten or wheat is 'evil' more that he can't eat it. It's interesting how different my mother and father are. I wonder sometimes how different it would have been had I grown up more around my dad.

So I grew up with a weird mentality towards food. Of course I gorged myself on junk food at school so we have that whole 'binge - deny - excess - deprivation' thing going on there too, and that's where the money thing comes in because once I started working, I was able to treat myself, and where to start but with food, eh? And so then I felt guilty because I was spending the money I earnt, well, a lot of it, on food I wasn't supposed to be eating!

DF struggles too. He also grew up with the whole 'wheat is bad' thing. So we're a couple of basket-cases when it comes to food. And considering I work at a bakery and get bread for free, you start to get an idea of how mixed up we both feel sometimes.

So while on one hand I try to live a life where I tell myself that I am alright if the majority of my food is fresh and free of preservatives and additives - but on the other hand there is this whole mix up of what is good and bad. And I am starting to realise that the control my mother had over food, has been pushed to my finances. I guess that is an element I will always have in my life; that a certain part of it must alway be 'under control'.

DF and I, as we grow up and together, are realising that our parents aren't always right. Isn't it just the saddest and most confusing thing when you start realising these things? I think the first time that happened to me I was about 13. And I mean hey, even you guys can see my mother doesn't have it all figured out. Sure, she may eat organic this and no-sugar that, but it doesn't cancel out the damage all that alcohol is doing to her system!

So atleast I recognise this and can make sure there aren't any excessive binges in the financial department. I just need to concentrate on allowing myself to enjoy certain purchases (magazines, coffee, books, clothes) without feeling excessive guilt over the items in question. It is why I constantly have to remind myself that we are on this earth for a lifetime, and we must enjoy that lifetime. Not irresponsibly enjoy it, but not deprive oneself either. And to always focus on the bigger picture.

I am doing well with the freezer cleanout. Yesterday we had bologanise (from the freezer) and I made a vege pasta sauce for myself. I made a double mix for myself so unfortunately I didn't actually generate space in my freezer seeing as I put the leftovers in there . But I also took out a chickpea & pumpkin curry for myself and a beef & redwine casserole for DF. I will have rice with mine and DF's I will make into a pot pie. We've also eaten the half loaf of sourdough and some tofu. BUT I made more dog food because of our poochy-guests, so it's pretty much chock-a-block for a while. *sigh*

In other news, we have a little more than an extra one months' minimum mortgage payment in our mortgage account, and are nearly under the 300k mark!

I am going to attempt to make a pizza base at home sometime this week. I know it's pretty normal to do and everyone should know how, but I usually make them at work - or get someone else to make them there for me And it will be a little difficult, seeing as normally they are made with a 25 kg bag of flour - hmm, not sure I want that much pizza. So making it to proportion will be the tricky part. Any good pizza base recipes?

Only 5 weeks and three days til we pick up the engagement ring. I don't understand why it had to take so long, it's very plain. But *sigh* what can you do?

DF's sister still has not had the baby! She was due on Saturday. Any moment now I expect to get a call.
My brothers partner is due in about 5 weeks now too. One of our friends is due TODAY as well, and another of my friends is due in 3 weeks. Another friend is due in 3 months. Ek. So many babies!

Well, I just wanted to start with saying thankyou to everyone for all your comments, advice and wisdom from my last couple of posts. I know that mostly all of it wasn't finance related but I do appreciate how close everyone is here. So THANKYOU.

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I don't know if I have mentioned this yet, but the youngest apprentice has resigned at the bakery, and her last day is on Friday. Her parents are getting divorced and she is moving back to New Zealand. Remember how all our shifts changed, and I lost one day every three weeks? Well, it's all back to normal now (except for J who still loses a day a week - and like another co-worker, T, said: 'oh, and it couldn't have happened to a *nicer* person' LOL)

So, that's good that my hours are back to normal.

My boss and his wife apparently had an argument because my boss wants me to work out the back, but his wife wants me to cover J's lost shift every week out the front, serving customers.

I don't mind either way; but it's nice to know I'm valuable!

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I mentioned the distance Uni thing to a friend who came over for a BBQ on the weekend. She said she did her last year via distance-online, and wishes she did the whole thing like that.

I know I didn't really touch on why I don't want to go to a physical university. Well, it's hard to put into words really, because I am still trying to figure out why myself. But to put a long story short: it makes me feel anxious and sick; and that's just thinking about it and not actually doing it. So I understand that people are concerned that the workload will be large and I will only have myself to rely on, I need to assure you all that I completely understand that. Also want to reassure you all that the Uni I will be going through is renowned for its distance programs.

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So I'm thinking it's probably very likely I will apply to study next year. Maybe not at the start of the year though. It's harder to get accepted at the start of the year because of all the school-leavers.

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That being said, if my boss offers me the apprenticeship I might give it some thought. I have been working there for over 3 years, it would be nice to have something to show for it.

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I've made some great desserts the past two days. Last night I made my first ever chocolate souffle, and tonight I made baked custard. My only complaint is that the recipes were for 2 people - but there was far too much for DF and I, both recipes I followed could have fed 4!

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Today I came home from work and again, our verandah was covered in water. I cleaned it up and then decided to go and see the neighbours. By it happening twice, it was obvious that it wasn't an accident, it wasn't a child, and that it was intentional.

I was polite to the woman who answered the door. I introduced myself, apologised if the dogs were barking, informed her they would only be there for a few days and asked that they not hose water onto our verandah anymore.

She was nice about it and apologised. They seriously thought that the three dogs were OURS. Who in their right mind would own THREE dogs in suburbia? I'm pretty sure it's illegal anyway...

Anyway. So that was all fine. She said she thought I had guts for going over there and talking to her. (huh?)

About two hours later her husband came over and apologised as well, saying he over reacted.

On a good note, Jed hasn't done any of the barking they said he just sooks when we leave in the morning for work for about five minutes and then goes and chews on his bone.

TBH, they are not the type of people I would choose to spend time with. I'm glad we got that sorted out, and meeting them too (I think they felt bad that our first meeting with them was me asking them not to hose our deck).
They are... a little strange. Harmless (I'm hoping) but strange...

So, for five days we are looking after my mum and DF's dad's dogs. A maltese and another Jack Russell. They bark occasionally - which is annoying, yes, I understand that.

We picked them up yesterday and when we go out we put them on the verandah because we're worried they'll escape.

Today we went to the markets. When we got home, there was water dripping from the roof of our verandah, water all over our outdoor table and chairs, water all over the floor and the dogs blankets.

It had come from the direction of our neighbours, the dogs had obviously been barking and the neighbour had sprayed them with a hose.

We might be over reacting, but I just think that is plain RUDE.

They (the dogs) have not even been here 24 hours. Jed does not bark so I know it has not been a long-coming thing. They have NEVER talked to us before (the neighbours), and they did not bother to come and say anything about it, they just decided to spray our property, our dogs, our house, our possessions, with water.

I don't know what to do. DF and I got home and went on the balcony and DF's reaction was to say very loudly, 'WTF?!'.

We then a few minutes later saw their car leave.

So I am inclined to write a note, to ask them to come and discuss any issues with us they may have, but I don't like confrontation so I don't even want to do that.

DF wants to wait and talk to them face to face. He is calm in confrontations but I don't know what the others are like - we own this property - I don't want to have to deal with dickhead neighbours for the next 5-10 years.

In the meantime, DF's response is to play Rammstein very loudly in the shed.

The sad thing is that we both thought they were cool neighbours til now. I feel cheated and disappointed. The guy is an older man, he has planted lots of native trees on our hillside when the camphorlorals were cut down and poisoned (a pest tree). We hear him playing the banjo sometimes. CORRECTION: i just found out this neighbour is not the one that planted the trees, but is the one that plays the banjo. lol.

ARGH! I'm just so annoyed! Why the *%$# do people have to be so pigheaded!!! It's an animal for gods sake, and they've not been there for more than a day!!!

I've avoided blogging about this for a really long time. I'm not sure why; it's been swirling around in my head, like water around a drain, for MONTHS and I am sure that just getting it out there and getting some unbiased feedback would do me the world of good. But on the other hand, I KNOW the reason I haven't put it down in writing, it's like I have two voices in my head telling me different things. The first one is saying 'you're just unsure, so there's no point fussing about it, mull it over a bit more' and then the second voice is saying 'I know why you REALLY haven't written anything about, because you're afraid once you do it will mean you'll have to DO something about it.'

Sigh.

So what have I been avoiding? Oh, just my whole life. *insert dramatic arm flap here*

Ok, to be serious now. I have two, no, THREE possible futures mapped out ahead of me. I'm just finding it difficult to pick one out of two of the better options, so I'm sticking with the middle option, which is ultimately the easy option, which leads me in the very distinct direction of: no-wheres-ville. (read: doing what I'm doing now - no change, ever.)

There is a possibility of me maybe gaining a qualification as a pastry chef. It will take me 18 months to complete a fast tracked apprenticeship, or less, if my boss will sign me off. There are a couple of problems, however:
- I will go from $20 an hour to some god-awful amount, like $8 an hour or something. I don't actually know how much because it's all rather hazy.
- I will probably have to work 38 hours a week instead of 22. And for less money than I currently earn.
- I will probably still have to do the books at my parents business, otherwise we won't be able to live comfortably, so that means going back to working 55 hours a week again. (Did that two years ago - Blah).
- I don't know if this is something I want to do, other than at the workplace I'm in. I don't see myself seeking out employment somewhere else as a pastry chef.
- I'm not 100% sure if I can do it yet. It's just a possibilty.

The good parts are:
- I will have a qualification.
- I will be able to earn a couple bucks more an hour than I currently am.
- Even though the pay is low, I will get holiday and sick pay - atleast for the 18 month term of the apprenticeship.
- I could win some awards.
- It's an occupation I could fall back on later on.

My second option is to start studying via an online course, a Bachelor in Commerce. Why online? Because the whole idea of going to University doesn't excite me in the slightest. But don't get me wrong, I like the idea of studying and doing a university course - just not on campus.
There is a uni in Australia (about 5 hours drive from me) that does 75% of it's programs online. Only 25% of students attend the university on-campus. About 30% are overseas, the rest scattered throughout Australia. You get everything sent to you on CD, DVD, books and workbooks in parcels, via email and tutorials by podcasts. It is an *actual* university course/degree/everything - for those that were wondering.

I haven't really looked into it but I know I can get the fees deferred by HECS HELP (government program - like a student loan but not really).

Doing an online course means I can still work and I can choose when to study and when to 'attend lectures'.

It also means I have to be super vigilant about motivation and getting work done.

I'm worried though, that I've been out of school, out of study-mode, for so long, that it will be impossible to get back into the zone. I finished high school in '04.

I know my interests lay more with finance than working for someone else in a kitchen. I enjoy cooking and I enjoy finance, but I would rather cook for fun than work. I would rather earn more money being an accountant/financial analyst/advisor etc than being a pastry chef.

But then I'm worried I'll go to all this trouble and then not be able to get a job.

Or worse, go to all this trouble and FAIL MISERABLY.

*sigh*

I guess it all comes down to when I want to take the leap, and which leap I want to take. I think I'm a little scared of failure; I'd much rather sit and do nothing than attempt something and fail.

DF supports me in whatever I choose to do, but he has this belief that I'm super dooper smart and that I would be 'an awesome accountant'. He even talks of being a SAHD while I work (like monkeymama! - I even told him about your blog and he loved it)

I don't know.

Anyway. So thats what I have avoided blogging about for a very long time. That's what's been on my mind. It kind of feels good to get it all out there.

I have so much stuff in the freezer right now, I am finding it hard to get anything else in there!

So the month of July will be dedicated to clearing it out, and starting afresh, all organised and orderly. (bah). But no, I do have the intention of keeping the freezer organised after I've done a big cleanout.

At the moment I have available to use:
1/2 a bag of spinach portions
1/2 bag frozen peas
1 packet of fresh lasagne sheets
700g beef mince
4 x 100g portions tofu
1/2 loaf dark rye
1/2 loaf multigrain
1 x single serve pumpkin soup
1 serving beef and red wine casserole
1 serving chickpea, tomato & cauli curry
2 servings bolognaise sauce
several portions of lemon quarters
5 sheets puff pastry
1/2 packet filo pastry

i also have bacon rashers, but i won't cook them, and DF has them for breakfast when friends are over. there's also a couple of blueberry and white choc scones, but i eat them sometimes for afternoon tea. the rest of the bulk is ice, ice bricks and dog food.

i have other stuff in the fridge and pantry so don't be afraid to make suggestions with other ingredients

any ideas would be appreciated!

Keep track of any savings I make relating to my days off every three weeks.

Get our tax returns done. (Yay! Refunds!)

Clear out our freezer, use everything up and keep it orderly!

Register Jed and take him to the vet for a checkup.

Keep track of all spending.

Wash my car.

Buy fridge door-shelves for our fridge.

Browse some opshops - I am looking for plates, a teapot, some blankets for Jed and some cool containers.

Make sure Jed gets a walk every day, or atleast some form of exercise for 30 mins or more.

Complete atleast one x 1 hour session of yoga a week.

Get a haircut.

Start researching the possibility of Uni next year.

- Begin to keep track of my savings towards offsetting my day off every three weeks (I am beginning the $20 challenge! sort of...)

ooops! kind of forgot about that goal! i will begin it this week, seeing as my first day off is tomorrow...


- Keep my personal spending below my alloted amount.

yesss! I managed to do that, about $80 less for the whole month. I am proud!

- Send any extra remaining to my car loan.

That was the plan - but I can't figure out how to do it. I am going to have to call the bank...

- Keep a watchful eye on DF's spending and let him know when he's close to the limit.

He did well last month, only going over by $7.50 per week. Some may see this as a lot, but I don't.

- finding a present for a friends 28th, and attending her party at the end of the month.

Done! Bought her some body lotion, soaps, body wash, foot soakers and a magic flannel. Total cost including wrapping, just over $30.

- Making a baby hamper for SIL's baby shower

Done! Bought her lots of little knicknacks. Total cost, just over $30.

- Finding a teapot, hopefully at an op shop, before the 22nd (having some people over for tea - and I don't have a teapot!)

Unfortunately I didn't do this. I decided it was silly to buy a teapot just for one occasion - I don't want to rush buying it as I want to get one I like...

- Buying a front door mat.

Done!

- Continue with our compost plans.

Done!

- Revisit the jewellery store for first stage consulting and designing on my engagement ring (try to make DF come as well!)

Done! Picking it up hopefully on or before 14th August.

- Clean out and turn off second fridge (from party - I don't want to get used to having a second fridge again!)

Done! Actually - it tripped out the whole house, so I HAD to clean it out lol. Won't be using that fridge again!!!

- 4 x sessions 40 min+ exercise per week.

Hmmm - didn't really accomplish this. It has been a bit of a lax month in that respect.

- DOwnsizing meal portions, 2/3 then to 1/2 size of current.

Have succeeded in downsizing to about 3/4 lol - I just love food too much!