I know that personally, and for a lot of other people too, their relationship with food can be closely tied with their relationship with money.

I know I am strict with money (in an organisational way) because when I was raised, my parents, well, my mother particularly, was very strict with food. When I grew up and started doing things for myself, I knew I didn't want to have the relationship with food that my mother has. So it carried onto money instead. While a lot of people would say I'm pretty relaxed with spending, I still suffer a lot of guilt over spending on certain things.
It is the same with food. My mother, for so many years, ingrained in us what foods were good and what were bad. And it's not the ordindary good and bad. Even today it's hard for me to eat those foods without feeling guilt - and my parents (mother and stepfather) eat them now too. I wonder if parents ever think about their actions, even the very very small actions, and wonder if years down the track that small thing is going to make such an impact on their small childs life.

So you're probably wondering, what were the bad foods? Well, here's a few: anything with sugar (except in my mums coffee - of course), dried fruit and fresh fruit together (separately they were ok), soy, black pepper, wheat, corn, potatoes (for a short while), yeast, anything with aspartame, anything artificially sweetened or flavoured etc.

*sigh*

So on my dads side, everything in moderation is fine. My dad, personally, is medically diagnosed ceoliac, but he doesn't think gluten or wheat is 'evil' more that he can't eat it. It's interesting how different my mother and father are. I wonder sometimes how different it would have been had I grown up more around my dad.

So I grew up with a weird mentality towards food. Of course I gorged myself on junk food at school so we have that whole 'binge - deny - excess - deprivation' thing going on there too, and that's where the money thing comes in because once I started working, I was able to treat myself, and where to start but with food, eh? And so then I felt guilty because I was spending the money I earnt, well, a lot of it, on food I wasn't supposed to be eating!

DF struggles too. He also grew up with the whole 'wheat is bad' thing. So we're a couple of basket-cases when it comes to food. And considering I work at a bakery and get bread for free, you start to get an idea of how mixed up we both feel sometimes.

So while on one hand I try to live a life where I tell myself that I am alright if the majority of my food is fresh and free of preservatives and additives - but on the other hand there is this whole mix up of what is good and bad. And I am starting to realise that the control my mother had over food, has been pushed to my finances. I guess that is an element I will always have in my life; that a certain part of it must alway be 'under control'.

DF and I, as we grow up and together, are realising that our parents aren't always right. Isn't it just the saddest and most confusing thing when you start realising these things? I think the first time that happened to me I was about 13. And I mean hey, even you guys can see my mother doesn't have it all figured out. Sure, she may eat organic this and no-sugar that, but it doesn't cancel out the damage all that alcohol is doing to her system!

So atleast I recognise this and can make sure there aren't any excessive binges in the financial department. I just need to concentrate on allowing myself to enjoy certain purchases (magazines, coffee, books, clothes) without feeling excessive guilt over the items in question. It is why I constantly have to remind myself that we are on this earth for a lifetime, and we must enjoy that lifetime. Not irresponsibly enjoy it, but not deprive oneself either. And to always focus on the bigger picture.