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Home > help! i don't know what to do!

help! i don't know what to do!

March 17th, 2009 at 10:17 pm

*sigh*
problems seem to be rearing their ugly heads and ticking me off this week.

I will have to give you some back ground information: (some of you may remember this from a previous post).
I have a friend who is the same age as me. We met when we were about 4, and were best friends. We lost contact at about 13, and I found her on myspace when I was about 19. We chatted like we were old friends. When I visited my dad, she came and stayed (as my dad was almost a foster dad to her some times) and then I went to her place for a few days.
I booked more holidays to visit my dad a year later. I booked them in January, to fly and visit them in June-July. I sent this friend a message the DAY i booked the tickets.
We also planned to go to a festival together, in my state, and she flew up to where I live. She didnt book her tickets until about three weeks before the date of the festival, and I had previously planned on taking the monday off to drive her to the airport. She called me to say she was flying up Friday morning, so I had to take Friday off as well. "It's ok, that's what friends do" I thought.
While she stayed, she flashed around a stack of cash that she'd earnt for public holiday work, and money she'd been given by her grandparents. (around $700). She was also excited that her dad paid for her flights. During the time she stayed with me (friday, saturday, sunday and left on monday morning) she kept reminding me of all the things she was missing out on while she was visiting me. 'I'm missing so-and-so's 21st for you'. Yes, she actually said that. She also spent about three hours every day talking on her phone to her then-boyfriend and other friends. I also had MY friend notice that she was a little immature - but I think it was just that she acts like a 20 year old, when I normally hang out with 30 year olds and probably DON'T act like a 20 year old. She used words like 'gay' and 'retarded' that just made me want to cringe.
I have also noticed that she has to be better in every way. Her clothes have to be more expensive. She has to weigh less, but she can eat more than me. Her computer is BETTER than mine. Her phone is better than mine (she does actually say this to me, yes). Her ipod is better. Her job is apparently better. (she actually asked me a few months ago, 'so are you still working at the same jobs and stuff?' even though I have been at one job for 8 years and the other for nearly 3 years.) *sigh*

Fast forward to a month before I am due to visit my dad. I was using msn messenger (that's the way we communicate mostly). She asks me 'oh, when are you coming down again?' I told her the dates. 'Oh, I can't get time off then'.
I was a little shocked. Disappointed. Angry. I went for a little walk to calm down, then I sent her a message that said I was disappointed that she couldn't organise a day off, even though I gave her 6 months notice. I also mentioned that I was able to organise another day off in only three weeks time. I also said I understood that she was stressed about training (she's a gymnast) and that in the end it would all be fine.

She fired back that she was SORRY that she had to work, that she was SORRY that she saved EVERY LAST SINGLE CENT to come and visit me (um, what?). She said some other stuff but I can't remember. Then she said 'whatever', and then went off-line. I sent her an email that said I too, was sorry. I must have been mistaken. I thought her dad paid for flights, and I thought her grandparents gave her hundreds of dollars. I said it was fine, I wouldn't bother her again about it. I also said I thought she was one of the 'honest friends' that I could TELL when I was ticked off. I said, obviously not then. So I won't bother you with any of the emotional stuff that comes with a deep friendship. She didn't really talk to me again after that. I sent her a message when I was visiting my dad, and we DID end up catching up. I had to take a 1.5 hour train trip, meet her in the city for lunch and a coffee, and then go back.
And again, since then, I don't think I have spoken to her. I realised a few weeks after that trip that I was always the one initiating a conversation - she never said hi or anything like that. So I thought to myself, 'ok, I will wait for you to say something to me'. And you know what? It's been nearly a year, and the only thing she has said to me is, what type of new phone did you get, when she was commenting on a status update on facebook. Like I said, we have a truly deep relationship! (not).

So. That's the back ground info. And this is what I need help with:
I decided, months ago, that this was a friendship that I was willing to let die. We have nothing in common except things that we did when we were younger (barbie dolls, jim carrey movies etc). I felt like I was always making the effort - in a year she has not initiated a conversation, an email, a facebook wall post, a text message, a letter...
The friendship does not fulfil me in any way. I do not feel good about it. I do not feel liked or cherished.

Yesterday, I commented on a facebook status update of hers that said she was going on holidays. I asked 'where are you going?'. She responded that she was going to the Gold Coast (two and a half hours drive from me - in the same state). She said to let her know if I have time off, and her and her now-boyfriend will come and do a day-visit and see our new house (oh - and she has not said anything about us buying a house - no congratulations, no nothing).
I don't know what to reply. If I HADN'T asked, she would not have offered. She would not have even TOLD me she was there. I would have seen the photos on facebook the day she got back.
I have made the decision that I am NOT taking time off for her. But I just don't know what to write back now. Should I just not respond? I know if I act cheery and say 'sure, come up on the weekend!' i will feel yucky inside, knowing that I am being a fake person to keep things smooth on top.
What would you do? What should I do?
Should I just not reply? Should I wait for her to physically call me on the phone before I respond? Should I fake a smile?


8 Responses to “help! i don't know what to do!”

  1. Amber Says:
    1237330691

    Sorry to hear about your friend, but it seems as though you've out grown each other. Personally I wouldn't respond but you could simply say if I get the time off I'll let you know, you don't have to put in for the time off.

  2. Analise Says:
    1237330843

    Sometimes silence sends the loudest message. This is not a friendship that brings you joy and you have stated that it is a friendship you are willing to let die. If she sends you a second message, then I would respond... not sure how. But it seems unlikely she will pursue the visit since you have always been the one to cultivate the friendship and initiate contact. You definitely do not want an acrimonious confrontation. Just let the friendship die a quiet, natural death.

  3. momcents Says:
    1237331210


    Do nothing. As sad as it is, it might be best to let it fade. My quote unquote best friend leaves me near tears at least monthly. She is godmother to my fifth child, and I'm afraid that made her a permanen fixture in my family forever.

  4. Broken Arrow Says:
    1237331219

    Hehe, yeah, I remember this "friend" of yours. While I believe you should do what you feel is best, but if I was in your shoes, I'd basically not be friends with her anymore.... As Analise puts it, basically just let the friendship ease and fade away while you move on with your life.

  5. creditcardfree Says:
    1237335123

    Well, technically you don't have the time off...so just say so. I'd also stop commenting on her facebook page, if you no longer wish the friendship to continue.

  6. Thrifty Ray Says:
    1237337160

    Id let this 'friendship' take a backseat in my life. Who knows if someday you both wont be in the right place to renew it...but it doesnt sound like its very fulfilling to either of you right now.

  7. frugaltexan75 Says:
    1237337326

    I agree with the others - I'd just be silent.

  8. north georgia gal Says:
    1237384216

    Be Polite. That is all that is required of a civil person. Just respond that while you wish you had had more notice, you just can't take the time off work.

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